Our primary job as funeral directors is to guide you through the decisions and tasks needed to be done when a loved one passes away. There are procedures required to ensure the end of life events are executed appropriately and with dignity. In addition to learning about anatomy, chemistry, and pathology in school, funeral directors are trained on professional ethics, psychology, and counseling to help families cope with the stress of losing a loved one.
Planning a funeral, for some, can be a stressful experience. But it doesn’t have to be! We want to walk you through some ways we help our families reduce stress, and maybe even enjoy the celebration of their loved one’s life.
Understanding the connection between grief and stress
First, it’s important to understand what grief is and how it can relate to your stress outside of your list of “to-dos” after a family member passes away. There are, according to William Worden, a psychologist at Harvard, four “tasks” in mourning a loss. Your grief work is done when you have:
- Accepted the reality of the loss
- Fully experienced the changing “pains” of grief
- Successfully adjusted to your changed environment
- Reinvested in life and in new relationships
Each of these tasks brings with it varying levels of stress. So even outside of planning a funeral, there are stressors that come with grieving. You could say grief is stress in itself. It’s a process involving those four tasks and each task presents physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional challenges. It calls into question our fundamental beliefs about ourselves and our world. It shakes up our very foundations and we’re called upon to reinvent and reinvest in ourselves. That’s a lot of pressure!
The effects of grief and stress
Grieving typically leaves you feeling a combination of many emotions: depression, sadness, frustration, shock, fear, and even guilt. And it’s not always stable — that’s why people call it a “rollercoaster of emotions.”
Your physical body is also affected by grief and stress. You’ll field tired and physically weak as if all of your strength drained out of your body. Chest tightness is also a common symptom along with insomnia and a loss of appetite (or overeating to soothe anxiety.) It can take weeks, months, or even years to move through your grief, especially if you don’t get support through the journey. Here’s the bad news: you’ll never completely get over the loss of your loved one. As Jandy Nelson wrote, “Grief is forever. It doesn’t go away; it becomes a part of you, step for step, breath for breath.”
So, what can be done to help you maneuver through grief, plan a beautiful end of life event for your loved one, and help your emotional stability? Let’s go through some ideas we recommend.
You have more time than you think
One of the greatest causes of stress that we see in planning a funeral, especially an unexpected one, is the thought of arranging everything in a short amount of time. Planning a funeral in only a couple of days can be anxiety-producing and frustrating. But in reality, you have more time than you may think.
Yes, some things do have to be done quickly, but the actual date and arrangements of the funeral can be done on your schedule, within reason. The schedule, of course, is varied depending on religious restrictions like Judaism which require specific timelines for burial.
Empower your family by planning your funeral in advance
In American culture, discussing death can be an uncomfortable topic. Even with families that have a terminally ill loved one, it’s challenging to talk about arrangements as it’s seen as morbid or “giving up” on your loved one. In reality, planning your own funeral or the funeral of someone you love can be an empowering and cathartic experience.
Giving your family a funeral plan makes the entire process much simpler. It allows them to stop worrying about the details when the time arrives and come together as a family to grieve. Many times, a form of stress comes from family disagreements about “what mom or dad would have wanted.” Arguments can occur over whether burial or cremation is desired, what kind of casket is appropriate, what kind of service, what kind of monument, when to have the service, how much to pay, etc.
At Bateman-Allen Funeral Home, we walk you through the preplanning materials, information about your options, and rights. Transparency of important information allows families to have the confidence they need to look beyond the now and plan for the future in a peaceful, stress-free way. Knowledge is power. And although funerals will usually include a bit of stress and uncertainty at first, knowing what to expect in advance can reduce stress significantly.
Pay in advance if you can
Finances tend to be the number one stressor in life. It breaks up marriages, puts people in debt, and it’s a challenging topic to talk about. Prepaying for your own funeral, with all of your service wishes in mind, can be one of the best gifts you can give to your family before you leave this earth.
Sit down with a local, independently-owned funeral homeowner or funeral director and review your budget and financing options. You can do this at any time but many people starting at 55 years old tend to make this a priority. Reduce the financial stress on your family and know you’re leaving them with a final, beautiful gift: the gift of financial peace.
Explore hospice options
Almost 40% of all families now choose to use hospice care as a way to make end of life a more personal and natural process. Allowing the loved one to be cared for at home, surrounded by family, is seen by many as a tremendous gift. Hospitals are sometimes a required necessity. But if you find an option to bring hospice care home, it will allow your loved one to be at peace instead of in a stressful, fluorescent-lit room with loud noises and constant beeping.
Many families also find that the care provided by hospice nurses, chaplains, and medical and social worker professionals not only helps the terminally ill patient but helps the family as well. These professionals are experienced and trained in this specific industry. They know how to best help families say goodbye to their loved ones on their terms. The hospice team will be honest, caring, and help you at every step of the way.
Connect with a spiritual leader
You may already be in contact with a clergyman or spiritual counselor if you’re planning on having the funeral in a church or synagogue. But even if you aren’t, reach out to someone who can emotionally support your family through this tough time. Even for families who may not be actively involved in a church, the guidance and support of a spiritual man or woman can be wonderfully comforting. They can give you advice, support, and outlooks on the situation that you may not have harnessed before.
Finding peace during grief can sometimes be challenging, but we’re hoping these tips can help. If you’d like to talk about preplanning or preparing your loved one’s funeral, click the button below. We’d love to support you and your family.
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